It’s amazing what we write when we’re in the heat of the pain in a moment. I wrote this with so many mixed emotions and now that I’m re-reading it. I feel removed from that moment. But I’m still too prideful to go back to where these words came from.
You are a dirty coward and I hate you Sooo much right now. I can hardly breathe when I try to talk to you. I can’t look you in the face because I will only burst into tears.
I hate the way I’m reacting.
I wish I never met you. I wish I didn’t need your help. I wish I didn’t need your touch. I wish I were Sooo much stronger. I wish I could take back the last 2 years. I wish I had never met you.
I want to erase you from my life.
I can’t wait to move away from you and live my own life. I can’t wait to start anew, to start fresh without you. I can’t wait to be free of these tears, free of this heartache. Free of you.
I wish I could say all this to your face, but then, I’d only wish I hadn’t said it.
If only I didn’t love you. If only I didn’t believe you when you say you love me. Everything would be so much better. So much simpler.
I wouldn’t be so broken. I wouldn’t feel so alone. I wouldn’t be lying by myself wishing so badly to be next to you. Crying, on the floor, in the dark.
Being celibate gets your mind moving in every direction. Here’s one direction my mind seems to go into often… It’s pretty GRAPHIC so BEWARE.
I can only imagine.
Lips against my back, hands against the small. Trembling as you carry on your handy work with my eyes closed. Feeling as your lips curl into a smile as they follow my swirmish movements. Deeply enthralled by your fragrance filling the air I’m inhaling. I still can’t open my eyes. Kissing below the nape of my neck. Paralyzing my thoughts with sensuality. Only wondering where you’ll move next. One kiss on my shoulder then a kiss on the other. Then you carefully turn me over. Feeling my heart beat racing. I swear it’s going to pop out of my chest as your lips travel slowly down to that direction. Speechless. Grabbing your hair and tugging gently as you circle and nibble. Sucking lightly. No lips have felt softer. Rubbing them down my abdomen. Eskimo kissing my stomach. Nearing my naval full speed as I gasp for air. Then, I feel you look up at me.
I finally open my eyes and you tell me, “for the third time pass the ketchup, please!”
I guess I’ll have to continue to imagine until my fantasy becomes more than my daydream. Otherwise I’ll just keep my eyes closed and my imagination running.
And this time was the next time but it’s like the last time; it wasn’t meant to be. I put the emphasis on you, the work into us and we and all the responsibility on me.
I guess the word is insanity, over and over again I try but this same outcome remains. But this time came with a new set of growing pains. I thought it was just a sprain but I was mistaken, it’s broken through and through. I won’t blame myself, I won’t point the figure at you; it’s just the risk that I took.
I’d say we but I can’t say about your investment, most of what you put in can be replaced, returned or wrapped up like new. So no worries about the next or the now because I already knew.
Once I said the pool was closed, I thought you might still sit under my shade for the summer… But it was just too hot for you to stay. When you could just hop in another, who am I to tell you to wait.
Just think before you eat, I don’t want anything to happen to you while you go into the deep. Even if the sign still says closed next summer, I may let you sit on the side and stick in your feet.
That’s if you still plan to visit the old neighborhood. Maybe you could stop by to see what’s new. If not it’s no big deal, that’s a part of the risk I took. It’s not like that’s the least I expected from you.