Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

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When realization hits: You’re not the victim

Enraged, frustrated, tired and alone.

Once again. A different name but the same outcome. Entrapped in this circle. Punished daily for reasons I may never know. Tiptoe to appease your highness with no such luck. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever changes.

Running shoes at the door. Planning my escape but never brave enough to execute. Always wishful. Imagining the door opening but none exists. Just figments from my mind’s eye.

Little do I know who I really am. Or what I’ve really done. The misunderstood with no understanding.

Guilty, thoughful, confused and alone.

Selfishly assuming the victim’s role with the weapon in hand.

Upset about the circumstances I created. Painting blame in all the wrong places. Not realizing until the color has stained too deeply.

Proud for all the wrong reasons. Ready to speak at all the wrong times.

Rioting for peace with war at mind.

Where did I make the wrong turn to end here? I just knew I would end up in the right place.

Awake, pondering, upset and alone.

Think before you speak, empathize before you judge. Listen then you can learn.