Playing hide and seek…

I just looking for comfort and security. We’ve been playing games for so long, I’ve almost forgotten what I’m searching for. Sometimes I think I’ve almost got it in my grips and just as quickly it slips away. It’s such a hurtful feeling when I realize it’s gone. It hurts even more to think it may not exist. I’m even starting to think maybe I’m sabotaging myself. Maybe I’m searching for it in all the wrong places and that’s the real issue. Maybe it just doesn’t exist in the places I’m looking in. Maybe I just need to wait until it comes to me… but what if it comes and I miss it because I’m looking in the opposite direction??? What if it comes right under my nose and I pass it like stale gum stuck on the sidewalk waiting for a trip on the bottom of someone’s shoes??? Will it come back around or will I miss my 2nd chance???

Who am I asking these questions to and who do I expect to answer??? Why is this game of searching and waiting so treacherous??? So saddening???

How many more times will I ask these same questions??? When will they get answered???

I guess I’ll just keep searching and hope they’ll show up soon. My comfort and security. 

Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

When realization hits: You’re not the victim

Enraged, frustrated, tired and alone.

Once again. A different name but the same outcome. Entrapped in this circle. Punished daily for reasons I may never know. Tiptoe to appease your highness with no such luck. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever changes.

Running shoes at the door. Planning my escape but never brave enough to execute. Always wishful. Imagining the door opening but none exists. Just figments from my mind’s eye.

Little do I know who I really am. Or what I’ve really done. The misunderstood with no understanding.

Guilty, thoughful, confused and alone.

Selfishly assuming the victim’s role with the weapon in hand.

Upset about the circumstances I created. Painting blame in all the wrong places. Not realizing until the color has stained too deeply.

Proud for all the wrong reasons. Ready to speak at all the wrong times.

Rioting for peace with war at mind.

Where did I make the wrong turn to end here? I just knew I would end up in the right place.

Awake, pondering, upset and alone.

Think before you speak, empathize before you judge. Listen then you can learn.

Patience, young grasshopper…

Even when you’re afraid, when everyone has counted you out; count your blessings and be glad. Be strong, be faithful and be courageous. With faith and hard work comes change. With persistence and a bright smile comes progress. With love and respect comes growth. All these things come with patience.

Hold on for your next opportunity, otherwise you’ll strike out and someone else will knock it out of the park.