Playing hide and seek…

I just looking for comfort and security. We’ve been playing games for so long, I’ve almost forgotten what I’m searching for. Sometimes I think I’ve almost got it in my grips and just as quickly it slips away. It’s such a hurtful feeling when I realize it’s gone. It hurts even more to think it may not exist. I’m even starting to think maybe I’m sabotaging myself. Maybe I’m searching for it in all the wrong places and that’s the real issue. Maybe it just doesn’t exist in the places I’m looking in. Maybe I just need to wait until it comes to me… but what if it comes and I miss it because I’m looking in the opposite direction??? What if it comes right under my nose and I pass it like stale gum stuck on the sidewalk waiting for a trip on the bottom of someone’s shoes??? Will it come back around or will I miss my 2nd chance???

Who am I asking these questions to and who do I expect to answer??? Why is this game of searching and waiting so treacherous??? So saddening???

How many more times will I ask these same questions??? When will they get answered???

I guess I’ll just keep searching and hope they’ll show up soon. My comfort and security. 

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Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

When realization hits: You’re not the victim

Enraged, frustrated, tired and alone.

Once again. A different name but the same outcome. Entrapped in this circle. Punished daily for reasons I may never know. Tiptoe to appease your highness with no such luck. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever changes.

Running shoes at the door. Planning my escape but never brave enough to execute. Always wishful. Imagining the door opening but none exists. Just figments from my mind’s eye.

Little do I know who I really am. Or what I’ve really done. The misunderstood with no understanding.

Guilty, thoughful, confused and alone.

Selfishly assuming the victim’s role with the weapon in hand.

Upset about the circumstances I created. Painting blame in all the wrong places. Not realizing until the color has stained too deeply.

Proud for all the wrong reasons. Ready to speak at all the wrong times.

Rioting for peace with war at mind.

Where did I make the wrong turn to end here? I just knew I would end up in the right place.

Awake, pondering, upset and alone.

Think before you speak, empathize before you judge. Listen then you can learn.

Speech less words…

In every relationship, there are times when you will have nothing to talk about. Are you ok with that??? Or are you like me, bothered when there’s “nothing” to talk about??? Though, it’s normal. The silence can feel so strange, so cold. Listen to my silence…

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What happens when the talking ends??? When nothing else is said. Where do the words go???

Do they just disappear, cease to exist or are they only hidden out of sight???

Do they ever come back??? Will they surface when they’re ready??? Should I call them to come back??? Do they know when to come???

Will they come back soon??? Are they gone for very long??? Or will all my hair be gray before their return???

Will I just be left waiting???

Will there be a sign or a sound??? How will I know once they’ve returned??? Will they still be silent, will there still be silence???

Will I hold them back or let out too many with no concern??? Will he use them??? Will he listen to them???

Will he understand them or not even try??? Will he hear the words through the sounds??? Or is it easier to listen to the words when they sound like nothing???

Just a thought turned to a question turned to a post.

Read the instructions…

Ever wonder if you could come with instructions for your partner??? I did, so I created this. I can’t say it makes me easier to understand or be with but it was fun to write. What would your instructions say???

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Grab my hand and pull me closer. Take my heart and hold it dear. Grasp my thoughts and know me deeper. Catch my tears and comfort me longer.      

Hear my voice and listen to me calmly. Taste my kiss and remember me passionately. Feel my skin and embrace me warmly. See my beauty and watch me graciously.     
   
Forgive my mistakes and treat me impartially. Accept my past and treat me indifferently. Honor my being and treat me respectfully. Appreciate my integrity and treat me sincerely.   
                                         
Ignite my spirit and pray with me     faithfully. Mentor my gifts and challenge me creatively. Encourage my growth and nurture me emotionally. Cherish my love and love me unconditionally.

Bipolar Disordered

After seeing how my boyfriend and myself are, I wrote these descriptions. I almost tried to box us into them, sadly. I had to realize we are different and that’s great. Not bad. We complement each other and we have to learn how to make things work…

It’s all black and white no colors to be seen. Not a drop of gray area in between. Yes or no. Bet it all now with this hand or put down your cards and fold. He’s here and ready not straddling any fences and if you are, in no time your feelings and his patience are diminished. He speaks what his mind has decided and afterwards it’s finished.

While you can’t decide who will wear what, why and when. Your black and white comes in 100 shades of gray, so you can always find a perfect blend. Unknowing of which fork to take so you walk in between. Never focused on one action, on the set of your life, you want a retake every scene. You arrive late in vibrant watercolors and rosey coke bottles. Never slow down enough to cruise but never committed to take it full throttle.

Only the heavens know the secret to this subatomic attraction.

Sometimes it will be hard but…

I’ll remember that you hold my heart for protection not for ransom. I know
that you’ll pray with me not just for me.

I’ll remember that you were made to sing. I know to laugh even if no one
else does.

I’ll remember that we both make mistakes, not one more than the other. I’ll
remember to talk not only when I want to but when it’s uncomfortable. I
know you speak your mind and that you’ll explain what you mean, sometime
after you’ve said it.

I’ll remember to hold your hand tighter to let you know that I need your
strength.

I’ll remember who you are as long as you will always be yourself. I know
you are a complete person that complements me and not just a better half.

I’ll remember that your trust has been over exerted but our faith is like
a mustard seed. I know that you don’t know it all and that you’re on this
journey to learn along with me. I’ll remember to always consider your
counsel and know you will make decisions best for not only you but
considerate to me.

I’ll remember to close my eyes every time I fall into your arms. I’ll know my
true strength when you fall into mine.

In any relationship, times get difficult and you don’t always see eye to eye. But you must always remember what you can learn from that person. So fall deeply, with an open heart and take the good with the bad. – ILIveToInspIre