Foundation Covers the Scars…

You want some human interaction and attention, a little affection that moves into a more than platonic direction. You know that love and affection don’t mix with working toward success and… The only time you felt like you were in love, deeply, fondly, even mentally, it wasn’t meant to be.

You were just getting used to the idea that it was truly all it seems and then you trip, slip and bump your head, chip your polish and realize it was all too good to be true.

As much as you try to fight it you become that friend drowning in a pool of misery, reflecting on what used to be. Hoping for what could of been; wishing you had never seen that man. Oh, if he had never spoken to you; you wouldn’t have been led so far in.

Just for that, you digress. You burrow deep inside yourself not letting anyone in, locking yourself behind closed doors in empty rooms. Occasionally when you re-enter the world of hurt you try to make up for lost time. Disguising yourself behind fake smiles and Voluminous mascara as if life is easy, breezy but you know it’s just a cover, girl.

Looking drop dead gorgeous even though you just want to drop the facade dead in its tracks. You want to take of the dress and step down from your 5 inch stiletto pedestal. But you can’t. You’ll settle with looking amazing, as long as the club can’t see past your smoky eyes and bronze blush.

If they did, they’d see the empty woman hiding behind the full masquerade. And that’s not who you want everyone to see.

Love, the Action

Where does love come from? Not just the feeling or the emotion, but the action. Remembering someone’s favorite artist or icon and spending your last dollar and then some to buy that portrait. Never saying a word about not having a dime to your name but only feeling the enchantment of seeing that someone’s face light up while opening their gift. How does love create such insanity and happiness to make us want so badly to bring a smile to someone else’s face? It’s an incredible, unfathomable creation. Love.

Excuse Me. Can You Tell Me Who I Am?

Have you ever tried to get confirmation from someone else? Did you feel like everything would magically be honky dory if someone else gave you a thumbs up for what you do? I can honestly say that in  the past I have. I understand, as humans, we all need some type of encouragement to help us along the way; yet, at times I feel we need to realize that it isn’t always necessary. Just fyi, I made this realization yesterday. So please don’t feel as if I’m picking on you, I’m just sharing what I’ve learned.

You can’t wait on anyone else to justify who you are or what you want to do in life. Don’t get me wrong. We aren’t all born knowing who we are or what we want to do but you are supposed to use this journey through life as a lesson towards that epiphany. For those, like me, that take a little more time to figure out the odds and ends; you must learn who you are and what you want to do by making some mistakes.

Unlike anything you may have been taught, mistakes aren’t all bad. I’ve made some beautiful mistakes and gotten some bumps and bruises that have developed me into the strong, creative spirit I am today. When I say “make some mistakes” I mean try new things, open your mind and take some leaps of faith to see where you land. Sometimes there will be rough landings but once you’ve gained full consciousness, you might like your new surroundings.

Take me for instance, I graduated from Vidalia High School in May of 2005 and went straight to college at Georgia Southern University in August 2005 expected to graduate in four years to then go onto Medical School to become a general surgeon. I couldn’t decide on a specific type of surgery, so general it was. LOL. Lovely picture, right? Very much so, but it was a picture I hand painted. I didn’t realize I forget to paint myself into the picture.

I had to go that specific route because that’s what I told myself  and my parents. That’s what I believed I had to stick to because of how many times I had told them; and if I did anything else I KNEW I would be letting them down. I needed that confirmation from my parents and for whatever reason I thought I wouldn’t get it if I didn’t close off my future into a tiny square box. (BTW, my parents are like super supportive and have always been but I have always had a predisposition to not disappoint them because they were always so supportive. Sounds like a catch 22, right? It is.)

As a pre-med Georgia Southern student, my pre chosen major (not my choice)was Chemistry. Sadly I hated Chemistry but hey I changed to Biology and then hey I realized I hated pre-med. Though I knew I hated pre-med, I stuck it out for 2 years because that’s all I knew. In reality, I would have now clue what I wanted to do until after 1 year of Chem pre-med, 1 year of Bio pre-med followed by 1 year of pre-nursing.

If that wasn’t a mistake, I don’t know what is. LOL. Although, my mistake was necessary for me to know where I didn’t want to be. I became 100% aware of my meant to be major through the wonderful world of extracurricular activities. To be exact, through the African Students Association. To be even more exact because of the V.P. of ASA at the time, Kofo, and the ASA advisor/mentor, Dr. Jallow. (Thanks, you two!!!)

After being placed (not quite by my choice) into a Community Service Chair position and then choosing (on my own) to become the Public Relations Chair, my fate was sealed. Public Relations was my thing! I didn’t exactly know what I was doing, but I was doing it, meeting people and having fun. I had crashed landed into paradise.

So long story short and still kind of long. I have made my mistakes, felt defeated, cried, dried my tears, tripped over my own two feet, busted my knee, got some help, cried again, received some necessary encouragement, built a plan, flew, crashed, exploded, flew again and learned from everything.

I blossomed and learned in my own sweet time and I am thankful for everything that happened.

No matter what others try to “pre-do” for you, you have to decide if it’s what you want to do. Even when you think you are doing the right thing, you can certainly be wrong. Especially when you have people behind you and because those people are behind you, you think that you have to keep going for them. You don’t. Keep going for you. Or stop and start back up with something else if you need to. Make sure you find out who you are and what you want. Otherwise, you could end up miserable; if you are always trying to get confirmation from someone else.

Words to inspire from me to inspire you.

– I LIve to InspIre