Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

Habitual

Addiction – the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma (Dictionary. com)

The words never come. They get lost on the journey, somewhere in the pride.

image

Knowing better but fearing the worst. Mouth closed and unfed. Body clothed but wasting away. Mind chaotic and unresponsive.

The worries fester. Not enough smiles to hide behind. The truth creeps closer. Reality settles.

Can’t take the denial or accept the truth. Can’t speak out.

Sweating. Dry mouth. Shivering. Nothing left. Take my last sober breath.

And relapse.