Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

Read the instructions…

Ever wonder if you could come with instructions for your partner??? I did, so I created this. I can’t say it makes me easier to understand or be with but it was fun to write. What would your instructions say???

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Grab my hand and pull me closer. Take my heart and hold it dear. Grasp my thoughts and know me deeper. Catch my tears and comfort me longer.      

Hear my voice and listen to me calmly. Taste my kiss and remember me passionately. Feel my skin and embrace me warmly. See my beauty and watch me graciously.     
   
Forgive my mistakes and treat me impartially. Accept my past and treat me indifferently. Honor my being and treat me respectfully. Appreciate my integrity and treat me sincerely.   
                                         
Ignite my spirit and pray with me     faithfully. Mentor my gifts and challenge me creatively. Encourage my growth and nurture me emotionally. Cherish my love and love me unconditionally.

Sometimes it will be hard but…

I’ll remember that you hold my heart for protection not for ransom. I know
that you’ll pray with me not just for me.

I’ll remember that you were made to sing. I know to laugh even if no one
else does.

I’ll remember that we both make mistakes, not one more than the other. I’ll
remember to talk not only when I want to but when it’s uncomfortable. I
know you speak your mind and that you’ll explain what you mean, sometime
after you’ve said it.

I’ll remember to hold your hand tighter to let you know that I need your
strength.

I’ll remember who you are as long as you will always be yourself. I know
you are a complete person that complements me and not just a better half.

I’ll remember that your trust has been over exerted but our faith is like
a mustard seed. I know that you don’t know it all and that you’re on this
journey to learn along with me. I’ll remember to always consider your
counsel and know you will make decisions best for not only you but
considerate to me.

I’ll remember to close my eyes every time I fall into your arms. I’ll know my
true strength when you fall into mine.

In any relationship, times get difficult and you don’t always see eye to eye. But you must always remember what you can learn from that person. So fall deeply, with an open heart and take the good with the bad. – ILIveToInspIre

Apartment D: The Arbors, My Home

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Sometimes my thoughts get so loud, I can’t escape my thinking. Sometimes the bills pile so high, I think I may drown before I’ll ever reach the top. Sometimes the fridge is empty and the cupboards are bare. Sometimes my stomach growls and there’s only water to quiet the rumbling. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t where I am, that my situation were different. That I were comfortable. Sometimes… until I’m reminded of where I could be.

I’m reminded that the space around me is just that. It’s only space. It’s not negative to my mindset. It’s not trapping me physically. It’s pushing me mentally. It motivates me to do more, to become more. Not just for better surroundings. Not just to enter a home with crown molding and granite countertops. Or a home with vaulted ceilings and mounted flat screens.

My space inspires me to live in a realm that speaks of my accomplishments. My space not adorned with very much, only a touch of furniture here and there; my simple apartment portrays the life of a minimalist. Living to dream. Dreaming to InspIre. And inspiring to bring about great change.

My space is clean and quiet. Full of the necessities and lacking some, as well. But my space speaks of my journey. That my journey isn’t yet complete. I have come a long way but truthfully my journey has only begun.

So as I tuck myself in and see the few shadows that dance across my walls. I’ll remember this space and this time. I’ll keep this as a memory. As a trajectory that catapults me into a new place where I’m meant to be. Where I’m meant to motivate and meticulously manipulate a race of forward moving, progressive thinking members of humankind.

Not stuck on stereotypes, status quo or statistics. But determined to break molds, question society’s standards and break through barriers with intellect.

That’s the legacy that will come from me. That’s what I’ll leave behind for the world to see. A true experience almost as powerful as living where my pantry may stay empty but my spirit always stays so full.

Summer Days: No Swimming Allowed

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And this time was the next time but it’s like the last time; it wasn’t meant to be. I put the emphasis on you, the work into us and we and all the responsibility on me.¬†

I guess the word is insanity, over and over again I try but this same outcome remains. But this time came with a new set of growing pains. I thought it was just a sprain but I was mistaken, it’s broken through and through. I won’t blame myself, I won’t point the figure at you; it’s just the risk that I took.

I’d say we but I can’t say about your investment, most of what you put in can be replaced, returned or wrapped up like new. So no worries about the next or the now because I already knew.

Once I said the pool was closed, I thought you might still sit under my shade for the summer… But it was just too hot for you to stay. When you could just hop in another, who am I to tell you to wait.

Just think before you eat, I don’t want anything to happen to you while you go into the deep. Even if the sign still says closed next summer, I may let you sit on the side and stick in your feet.

That’s if you still plan to visit the old neighborhood. Maybe you could stop by to see what’s new. If not it’s no big deal, that’s a part of the risk I took. It’s not like that’s the least I expected from you.

“No Letting Go”

We broke each other’s hearts, unintentionally but that doesn’t mean the pain hurts any less. That doesn’t make anything better. As it seems, everything only worsened. Bits of our hearts wilted until they grew bitter from the unconscious abuse.

Memories from a time far away exist in our mental rolodex. Those memories are strong enough to release remnants of love to our senses but we dare not speak of them. We live in a different time, in a different place, each as a different person. In this time and place there’s no turning back but at the same no letting go.

I want to speak to you, to pour out the contents of my overflowing heart. But I won’t because I can’t. I don’t know how to reach the spot in your heart meant for only my memory to permeate. If I can’t reach that spot, I can’t know if my plea will reach you. I can’t take the chance of being too late so I’ll leave my thoughts unspoken.

For if I unleash my soul’s contents, I’m liable to be met with the same hesitation we’ve both met before. We spent so much time in wonder of each other; our amazement overcame everything. We could only watch from afar, never taking advantage of the moment. Just allowing those many moments to slip by until we had lost days and months and years.

And now I sit alone, in that same wonder. That same amazement. My love locked on you, hoping your heart still holds a place especially for me.

The Performance of our Lives

As women, even as humans, we never want to admit our problems, our mistakes or our vulnerabilities. For the sake of saving face or not looking weak. But at some point in time we must give up the cover story and let someone know about the dramatic depiction of the life we live.

Her life is a movie. The type you can’t help but to watch. Not like the ones that are romantic and heart-warming. But the type you watch because her heartbreak is comforting. Because you can relate to her dilemmas and frustration. And you understand why she feels so defeated, beaten down and you wish you could give her the answer. How badly you want to help the underdog, the innocent protagonist. But of course, you can’t.

The same way you can’t understand the answers to your own questions, you can’t answer hers either because her life is on a screen. She can’t hear you, no matter how loud you scream. The screen always interrupts your heroic attempts. And you are left helpless to watch knowingly. And I am left to act out my life’s role unknowning and vulnerable.

Wait, did I say I. My mistake. When I say I, of course I mean her. Because if I admit it’s me and my life, that makes it too real for me. Then I need to admit my unhappiness and my anger. Even more my sadness… And after admission, I’m expected to face my problems and deal with them. But this I, isn’t ready for that.

There’s just too much tied to the word I, so just read on without getting¬† connected to me. Just remember her. Remember her film. Her story. Her face, her tears, her nights feeling alone and broken. Without anyone real to talk to, only other actors. Giving her empty emotions while reciting lines from a script. It’s all an act.

But I can’t seem to escape it. I want happiness and love and security. But all those things seem to run in the opposite direction away from me. And I can’t understand why. I pray for it and wait but it just never seems to work…

As much as I want it to be all about her, it’s really about me. I guess it’s time to face fact and let go of the charade. I can deny it no longer. So, world, the girl on the screen is me. Unguarded – open – a little broken, but ready to work on my problems.

The first and most important one, being me.