When realization hits: You’re not the victim

Enraged, frustrated, tired and alone.

Once again. A different name but the same outcome. Entrapped in this circle. Punished daily for reasons I may never know. Tiptoe to appease your highness with no such luck. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever changes.

Running shoes at the door. Planning my escape but never brave enough to execute. Always wishful. Imagining the door opening but none exists. Just figments from my mind’s eye.

Little do I know who I really am. Or what I’ve really done. The misunderstood with no understanding.

Guilty, thoughful, confused and alone.

Selfishly assuming the victim’s role with the weapon in hand.

Upset about the circumstances I created. Painting blame in all the wrong places. Not realizing until the color has stained too deeply.

Proud for all the wrong reasons. Ready to speak at all the wrong times.

Rioting for peace with war at mind.

Where did I make the wrong turn to end here? I just knew I would end up in the right place.

Awake, pondering, upset and alone.

Think before you speak, empathize before you judge. Listen then you can learn.

A Moment of Words

It’s amazing what we write when we’re in the heat of the pain in a moment. I wrote this with so many mixed emotions and now that I’m re-reading it. I feel removed from that moment. But I’m still too prideful to go back to where these words came from.

You are a dirty coward and I hate you Sooo much right now. I can hardly breathe when I try to talk to you. I can’t look you in the face because I will only burst into tears.

I hate the way I’m reacting.

I wish I never met you. I wish I didn’t need your help. I wish I didn’t need your touch. I wish I were Sooo much stronger. I wish I could take back the last 2 years. I wish I had never met you.

I want to erase you from my life.

I can’t wait to move away from you and live my own life. I can’t wait to start anew, to start fresh without you. I can’t wait to be free of these tears, free of this heartache. Free of you.

I wish I could say all this to your face, but then, I’d only wish I hadn’t said it.

If only I didn’t love you. If only I didn’t believe you when you say you love me. Everything would be so much better. So much simpler.

I wouldn’t be so broken. I wouldn’t feel so alone. I wouldn’t be lying by myself wishing so badly to be next to you. Crying, on the floor, in the dark.