Frustration – Life’s Lessons

When I get to that point of no return – to that point of uncertainty – to that deep frustration, I write. I got close to that point and these are the words that came to me. I’m sure all of us have felt this frustration, once or twice…

It’s getting tiring.

Nothing’s getting better. Feels like it’s all going to Hell. Maybe for good reason. Maybe it’s not meant to be or maybe we lost His blessing. Or maybe we never had it.

Who knows cause I don’t. All I know is I’m tired, my emotions are spent. The tears have stopped flowing. I’m almost ready to stop trying. To stop fighting for us.

Well, it really feels like I have to fight against you. I shouldn’t feel forced to but I do. Whatever I’ve been doing I’m just ready to stop.

No more trying, no more talking, no more yelling. No more anything. I’m pretty much done. I want to get out of the heat and into the sun. To feel the natural warmth against my skin.

To just feel happy.

Maybe I’ll be alone but that’s how I started. Shoot. That’s what I should be. That’s where I need to go back to. My lone state, living alone. My own space. Only answering to myself.

I think I miss it. Right now especially I really miss it. I’m not sure why I miss it because I’m alone right now. I wonder why being alone here doesn’t feel as good being alone there…

Hmmmph.

Maybe because I wasn’t supposed to be alone here. I wasn’t supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be loved.

When realization hits: You’re not the victim

Enraged, frustrated, tired and alone.

Once again. A different name but the same outcome. Entrapped in this circle. Punished daily for reasons I may never know. Tiptoe to appease your highness with no such luck. Nothing ever works. Nothing ever changes.

Running shoes at the door. Planning my escape but never brave enough to execute. Always wishful. Imagining the door opening but none exists. Just figments from my mind’s eye.

Little do I know who I really am. Or what I’ve really done. The misunderstood with no understanding.

Guilty, thoughful, confused and alone.

Selfishly assuming the victim’s role with the weapon in hand.

Upset about the circumstances I created. Painting blame in all the wrong places. Not realizing until the color has stained too deeply.

Proud for all the wrong reasons. Ready to speak at all the wrong times.

Rioting for peace with war at mind.

Where did I make the wrong turn to end here? I just knew I would end up in the right place.

Awake, pondering, upset and alone.

Think before you speak, empathize before you judge. Listen then you can learn.

Who do you think you’re talking to???

God places different types of people in your life to play different roles. You have different people to talk to for different reasons.

You don’t have to talk to your boyfriend about the same subjects you talk to your best friend about. Especially if you’ve started to notice disjointing in those relationships when you try to talk about certain subjects.

Sometimes it takes a while to realize who plays what role. And you may have to get your feelings hurt a few times before you get a clear understanding. But it’s well worth knowing the best sources to go to about work issues, a tv series love affairs (like Fitz and Olivia), pop culture or any random item on your mind.

Just know, there’s nothing wrong with knowing who to talk. It can definitely strengthen relationships. And give you a proper outlet for whatever may be on your mind.

Bipolar Disordered

After seeing how my boyfriend and myself are, I wrote these descriptions. I almost tried to box us into them, sadly. I had to realize we are different and that’s great. Not bad. We complement each other and we have to learn how to make things work…

It’s all black and white no colors to be seen. Not a drop of gray area in between. Yes or no. Bet it all now with this hand or put down your cards and fold. He’s here and ready not straddling any fences and if you are, in no time your feelings and his patience are diminished. He speaks what his mind has decided and afterwards it’s finished.

While you can’t decide who will wear what, why and when. Your black and white comes in 100 shades of gray, so you can always find a perfect blend. Unknowing of which fork to take so you walk in between. Never focused on one action, on the set of your life, you want a retake every scene. You arrive late in vibrant watercolors and rosey coke bottles. Never slow down enough to cruise but never committed to take it full throttle.

Only the heavens know the secret to this subatomic attraction.

Sometimes it will be hard but…

I’ll remember that you hold my heart for protection not for ransom. I know
that you’ll pray with me not just for me.

I’ll remember that you were made to sing. I know to laugh even if no one
else does.

I’ll remember that we both make mistakes, not one more than the other. I’ll
remember to talk not only when I want to but when it’s uncomfortable. I
know you speak your mind and that you’ll explain what you mean, sometime
after you’ve said it.

I’ll remember to hold your hand tighter to let you know that I need your
strength.

I’ll remember who you are as long as you will always be yourself. I know
you are a complete person that complements me and not just a better half.

I’ll remember that your trust has been over exerted but our faith is like
a mustard seed. I know that you don’t know it all and that you’re on this
journey to learn along with me. I’ll remember to always consider your
counsel and know you will make decisions best for not only you but
considerate to me.

I’ll remember to close my eyes every time I fall into your arms. I’ll know my
true strength when you fall into mine.

In any relationship, times get difficult and you don’t always see eye to eye. But you must always remember what you can learn from that person. So fall deeply, with an open heart and take the good with the bad. – ILIveToInspIre

Summer Days: No Swimming Allowed

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And this time was the next time but it’s like the last time; it wasn’t meant to be. I put the emphasis on you, the work into us and we and all the responsibility on me. 

I guess the word is insanity, over and over again I try but this same outcome remains. But this time came with a new set of growing pains. I thought it was just a sprain but I was mistaken, it’s broken through and through. I won’t blame myself, I won’t point the figure at you; it’s just the risk that I took.

I’d say we but I can’t say about your investment, most of what you put in can be replaced, returned or wrapped up like new. So no worries about the next or the now because I already knew.

Once I said the pool was closed, I thought you might still sit under my shade for the summer… But it was just too hot for you to stay. When you could just hop in another, who am I to tell you to wait.

Just think before you eat, I don’t want anything to happen to you while you go into the deep. Even if the sign still says closed next summer, I may let you sit on the side and stick in your feet.

That’s if you still plan to visit the old neighborhood. Maybe you could stop by to see what’s new. If not it’s no big deal, that’s a part of the risk I took. It’s not like that’s the least I expected from you.